Sentience Soulchild

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HEY FOLKS!

It has been at least two years since my last post. Initially I thought that I would either shut down my blog page or kind of remove it from memory. I had concluded that it has served it’s purpose and I wouldn’t need it anymore, sort of like a training bra only with less tattered material. I would visit my page from time to time, re-reading old posts and trotting down memory lane like Queen I am, proud of my progress. Other times I felt like the page was like digging up old shit, even though time has passed it still smells.

Today, I read the post that got the 2nd most views/likes. I read it and laughed at that moment in time with such glee. I laughed because so much has changed since that post. I got married and had a little one. I look at my family and how things have changed and I’m grateful. Grateful for ALL the lessons, hurdles, pitfall, successes. With out all of it, I may not be at the point I am now… peaceful. Imagine almost four years later after so much heartache, depression, stumbling over myself and losing faith and confidence in who I was as a person. I dug deep and took the time to look at not that period in my life documented in the blog but me as a whole. I took stock and account for what negatively happened in my life. I learned that it takes 2 people to go down a road unstable. I quit placing the sole blame on one person but still holding them accountable. Having to look at people for who they are, not who I want or envision them to be. I no longer allow people to cross boundaries, I set them and stand firm behind them. If it means losing toxic people.. the thing about toxicity, nothing good will ever grow in or around it. It seeps into everything changing it, where its no longer viable. Learning everything isn’t viable was the hardest! I always wanted to salvage or save thinking it had to hurt to turn out or be right! WRONG!

I dealt with death this year, next to my Mom passing this one shook me to my core. Valerie was my best friend since I was 14 years old and losing her to colon cancer… It hurt and still does. I look at her pictures and videos and have a rush of emotions that wash over me. I look back and think at how blessed I was to have her at the most pivotal moments of my life. She was there for all the childhood-teenage moments we shared together, we had so many countless memories to adulthood, there isn’t an important moment she wasnt present for – my 1st marriage, birth of my 1st son. I was there for the birth of her son. She stood by me one more time when I got married, saw the ever growing belly that is my son now. Unfortunately she passed a month before the two of them got to meet. I know she would’ve loved him like she loves my other children.

Her death though hard, teaches me lessons daily. One thing above all else she taught me to live. Before she passed, knowing she was terminal, she lied her life and spent it with those she loved. She got her flowers while she lived! She was my sister from another mother and can never be replaced. when I saw her a couple months before she passed. I couldn’t recognize her, cancer had ravaged her and made her weak, she couldn’t really speak. I held her hand and tried my best to hide back my tears. I told her I love her and knew she was in pain, she could let go. Those words as much as they hurt I had stood in this place before and it would’ve been selfish to ask God to keep her here in so much pain

Looking at my life, my very first post to now, there is growth. Like a mighty oak tree, I may move and bend, branches may break. But I still grow and move towards the sun.

The dating pool has pee in it.

So… I went on a date about a month or so back. Interesting guy to say the least. He was about 40 years old, father of 3 and a divorce, (wait, let me fix that he was in the middle of a divorce, so technically still very married).  I don’t know why folks feel the need to lie or omit  that tid-bit of info. Being divorced means you signed paper work and the courts said YUP you 2 are officially unhinged don’t kill each other, cause criminal court  is down the block. I unfortunately find this out, AFTER the fact! Back to the message at hand. So were talking and he seems very pleasant and sweet. We ask one another all the pertinent questions, how many kids we have, where we grew up, where our families are from. The conversation is going great, time is undoubtedly passing, I need to head home its getting late. So we arrange to meet up again, now being more aware I don’t give him my cell #, cause Spokeo is the DEVIL and anyone can be a private eye! I  signed up for one of those apps where you get a free number that you can use to text/call, I’M LEARNING FOLKS! We speak here and there and text over the next couple of days, while we’re at work. Its nice but hes doing too much with the baby and beautiful and asking if I missed him?. Now Im not saying complimenting isn’t great for the ego, who doesn’t like to be told they’re beautiful? But when you’ve just met someone and they’re calling you baby or everything but your name its an immediate put off. Unless you have Alzheimer’s recalling my name shouldn’t be a difficult task. So I took note of that. The 2nd time we met up, I was already leery but listened. We talked this time he went into great detail about his life, issues with soon to be ex wife (he admitted at this point being married but that they both lived separate from each other).  By this time he’s touching my hand,  and tried to kiss it.. STOP!!!! Nope!!! I pulled my hand back and said listen I don’t like being touched…2nd time you’re seeing me and we’re touching and trying to run his fingers through my hair! Am I in a bad 80’s movie? All that was missing was a Miami Vice suit, silk shirt and taco meet on his chest… I started to explain my being divorced and that after some time we’ve gotten to a point where we’re good friends and can parent our children as well. He then proceeded to tell me, he cant ever be friends with his ex cause she cheated on him. I told him, you never know, things can change, sometimes you just need to work at it. He asked if I ever had anyone cheat on me? Without going into details I said yes and I broke up with him very soon after. He then said, I shouldn’t  have done that, that 90% of men cheat, that I should accept it. When I tell you the screw face!!!

He proceeded to say that all people cheat, BUT he cant accept anyone cheating on him.. I swear I started to laugh! Thinking is this man serious?! Then he started to tell me that he’s looking for a serious relationship no games and that I should tell him what I’m looking for. That he is a grown man and not about having friends all over, even though he did go on to tell me he has “friends” that he’s dealing with but would stop once we got serious. Then he went on to my friendship with my ex husband and he’s not comfortable with it, if we were together he wouldnt be comfortable with my kids father being in my house especially if we lived together. That if he came to the house he would have to wait outside to pick up the kids. When I tell you I BUSTED OUT LAUGHING!!! I looked him in the face and told him, you do realize we’ve only been speaking to each other for a week. WTF? He proceeded to tell me he saw a future with me and that when he wants something he gets it. Even better that God has placed him in front of me.. Forgive me for my lack of catching holy spirit church holy dance! Fawda God has sent me a winner! Let me dig deep and find it

.Whoop found it!

He also thought that he would be the right one to give me a daughter since I only had boys.. My ovaries felt violated after that and wanted to vacate the premesis immediately! Needless to say after letting him babble on, I sat and thought to myself:

a) I’m not sure how I got here and if I could fit through the window in the bathroom (damn small bathroom windows)

b) He’s got issues that my medical insurance wont ever be covering.

c) Is this for real, is he like one of those IG or Youtube actors? Am I being taped?

d) Does this shit dribble he’s spewing really get women? Do they throw panties at him like they did when Luther performed?  Singing Never too  much never too much!

Pulling myself back to my awkward reality at the moment.. I tell this man that listen, you will never EVER have to worry about my kids Dad making you uncomfortable with his presence cause well.. You wont ever have that opportunity much less living with me and my kids.. My ovaries and vagina are Hillary and you’re Trump never the 2 shall meet. So, I thank you for this very informative date.. umm meeting.. wait no.. time that I will never get back. I do thank you for being so honest, I’m sure you’ll find a woman who will want to not only bear your babies but also love doing those bi-weekly clinic visits for STD’s..

That was the 1st time I ever memorized the exit route out a restaurant.. Feet didnt fail me!

 

 

 

 

Winter is Coming: Cuffing Season Approaches

Cuffing Season

During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Brittany: Why is everyone trying to holla this week like outta no where?

Tiara: You know cuffing season is in full effect right?

Brittany: Oh yeah you right. I know I wont be sleeping alone this weekend.

#cuffing #single #fall #winter #spooning #season #cuffing season #breakup

So fall is soon approaching and all over Facebook and Instagram Land are the cuffing season memes. The jokes about cuffing season vs those sliding  in inboxes and DM’s for guys and ladies who are looking for that right one to have and hold from Sept – April (that’s cutting it close, if April is exceptionally warm then you’re cut off in March). It’s not a relationship, it’s an upfront arrangement that you and this person will do almost everything in the scope of a relationship without really having one. You’ll agree prior to on, when you see each other, how often (just enough not catch feelings but still want the D or box when you see each other) and most importantly be in a faux monogamous so as to only be sleeping with each other but keeping prospects open for Spring and Summer. 

SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE X_____________________________

Netflix and Chill is the staple as dates apparently aren’t really apart of the whole cuffing deal, this can apparently vary depending on the persons involved since the whole premise for cuffing season isn’t really to find a mate but keep each other warm while the winter months fast approach; it doesn’t hurt I guess to get some trim in the process as well. Sooo.. it’s safe to assume then that if any guy or lady approaches with interest it’s only because cuffing season draft has begun and people are looking for 1st line draft picks. With all that said, being that winter lasts about 4 -5 months  and coincides with the festivities of  Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years’s when most people spend time with the ones they love and hold dear. Do you fake caring for the person you’re in a cuffing season contract with? In retrospect no matter what your contract may stipulate you ideally end up spending “quality time” with that person, at some point start to feel something for them. Even though catching feelings aren’t allowed, how do you prevent it? I know cuffing season is a joke that comes up as discussion among guys and ladies with their friends. That a person will look at another that they are attracted to and say, we cuffing or what? And expect a honest answer, mostly a unanimous Yes! Shit Drake even has a song about Cuffing Season:

I met this new girl late June or early July
I called her a bunch of times but she barely replied
Now it’s December, I’m driving, and she’s like “Where’s my hi?”
It’s weird that I never called you cause I rarely get shy
See that was a segue, I believe the matter
Is what happens after the season where the leaves just scatter
Where the Timb’ laces get tighter and parka hoods flip up
Drug dealers standing in their park or hood slip up
Where girls become exes from Summer’s caught ho’in
The winter cars come out, the summer cars go in
And some places is breezy, and some it start snow-ing
And if you planning family vacations you better know when
But some mothers scared to send they daughters out the city
Instead she get a sweater that she bought her out of pity
Cause mom stays up late, she seen them videos
Where Cancun college students pouring water on their t******!

So what do you do? Champagne Papi said it, it’s got to be true! If a guy or lady approaches you and shows what seems to be genuine interest. You both have great time together and the convo is going great and suddenly they bust out with a whole so listen “You know what this is?” ” I’m not looking for a relationship, but we can do x, y and z from Sept- to(date to be determined). Do you say yes and agree just because being lonely in the winter is far worse and depressing than laying up with someone who you’re obviously attracted to and have crazy  chemistry with that when you see each other its on and poppin? Does cuffing season have an age limit? When do you become too old to engage in the activity of just finding someone to just cuddle, spoon and have sex with (hopefully good sex, but I guess that’s what “pre-season feelers is used for) and they have that good heat in their apartment (the super is Dominican, open the windows 10 degree weather of the building heat) and have the good name brand snacks or have GRUB HUB/Eat 24 app, for after the workout fuel renewal? Only to drop that person, the connection and or feelings right before summer starts because no ones to be in a relationship in the summer.

 

Beware of Cuffing Season where only the strong survive and the tank tops and sundresses are laying in wait for that touch of  60 degree weather to appear.. people magically disappear- FREE AGENTS!!!

Used to

I used to write all the time, I kept journals and wrote about whatever I was feeling or just what I was never able to say out loud, at some point between becoming a parent and life lost my passion for it and just stopped writing, no that’s wrong I didn’t lose it; it was buried waiting.  Adversity was the pressure that turned my thoughts into a diamond, so far this outlet is my platinum setting. It allows me to be who am I, in my own mind and express them through words. I get to see what I’m really made of through my writing and recollection of past events, inspiring my posts. I’ve fallen down and gotten back up, many times strong, wiser and more determined. There have been times though, I’ve been knocked down, it took me time to get up, lick my wounds and re-gain my balance. I will admit, it was and sometimes is a fight but I’m a fighter, too stubborn and head strong to give in or up. Even though many times I want to fall apart and shatter, I wont be broken. I can sit and wallow in the misery of past traumas and hurts, I refuse to be bitter. I lived my life by a book that was solely black and white no gray area. I never looked at my future and saw happiness, just responsibilities to live that life.  Writing is my passion, its reminded me of who I used to be, who I am now and how the culmination of the little girl, young woman and adult I am now. I’m a pretty cool chic whose got a few cracks but loves to laugh and smile. I have to admit, I love seeing words and thoughts on paper, or on screen…  I’m enjoying the journey thus far, I’m a  little rusty, so bear with me. So it begins…

Aint nothing like a Brooklyn Girl!

Taking care of you first, isn’t selfish its a MUST!

At some point in all the adulting we do, we’ve forgotten to take care of ourselves. Whether you’re single, married, a parent or step parent, we constantly pour from our cup to take care others. Taking steps to ensure that everyone elses well being is okay and then maybe taking care of ourselves, when we get to it. Looking back at the position our mothers played, having the ability to wear many hats seemingly unscaved, its a crown worn proudly. She was able to work, take care of home, the kids and Dad and never asked for anything. Did we ever stop to wonder who took care of Mom? When did she get a moment to refill her cup? Now I use the matriarch of families as an example because I as a Mom can identify and recall my own mother’s semi Wonder Woman feats of doing it all effortlessly. The statement for me rings true across the board. She consistently gave from her cup, sometimes till it was empty. So as an adult I wondered, when did it become acceptable for us to only live to work? Never taking time for ourselves to regroup and decompress from all the madness in our everyday lives. Why is it seen as selfish to take care of yourself first? When a plane hits turbulence, the oxygen masks come down, you’re instructed to put your mask on FIRST and then assist those around you. Why? Who can you help if you’re incapacitated? So why can’t the same be applied to life?

The discussion of mental health is at an all time high within recent years. As it should be, what’s coming to light is so many of us dont know how to handle or deal with stress. We’re taught how to talk, walk and be independent but never how to successfuly manage stress. I’ve noticed for myself when stressful situations arise, once I feel it’s solved keep it moving to the next matter at hand. I’ve realized, I didnt process in the proper way so as to not feel depleated during and after. Not realizing my inability to properly deal with the ramifications of such high stress situations, they would unknowingly result in causing more pain or frustration than I anticipated. Basically I didnt refill my cup so I could properly take care of me. This can be said for many of us. Work, family life, marriage, divorce, break up (relationship or frienship) they take a toll. Going through the motions and believing it too shall pass… eventually.

I will say that I am very happy that the spot light has been placed on mental health. Were no longer afraid to speak up and ask for help, this can and sometimes include the help of a medical professional. Therapy is such a taboo word, especially in the African American community. Being stressed out meant and being too vocal about it meant you were seen as a punk. Suffering in silence was seen as a badge of honor to wear proudly. Truth is suffering in silence pretty much leads to just plain unnecessary and needless suffering.

In order to be able to care for my family, I am learning to take care of me as well. That their needs dont supersede that of my own. That suffering in silence will not win me Mother/Wife of the year. Learning to deal with the stresses that come my way in a healthy manner will definitely ensure that my cup will always be refilled. It takes us years to learn unhealthy habits, when we become aware of them and want to change. It undoubtedly takes years to unlearn those same bad habits but its never to late to change.

Take the L

Sometimes God gives you court side, front row center seats.

In my feelings 💙💜

When you finally realize your true worth, your energy draws you to the one who’ll love and appreciate you. #MstoMrs 💓

Current status: Unapoligetic

The public introvert

Honest moment: I get anxiety in big social settings. Like, I get quiet, withdrawn, opening up isnt easy. I feel like I’m experiencing sensory over load when there’s a lot of people around me and socializing is required. I get flushed, my heart races, I start to sweat. All the voices of the people around me and noises become too much and almost annoying. So I focus, on one thing or person, it helps calm me down. I’m so much better in small groups. Most people won’t notice it unless you truly know me. One huge indication I’m uncomfortable is, I crack jokes. Depending on the situation they can range from corny to hysterical, it’s like a nervous tick. Once before having surgery i walked over to the operating table, cracking the corniest jokes, the nurses laughed, one came to me and patted my shoulder gently. She said, nervous huh? I asked, can you can tell? She smiled, its gonna be okay. The truly odd part is, I do enjoy being social just not with a whole bunch of people, lol. Im not sure if that even makes sense but its true. I get invited to events, I’ll think about a possible outfit, how to do my hair then my brain automatically switches gears to, ohh God, I’m gonna have to talk to people, I click maybe or decline. As a kid,I i got called stuck up a whole lot, because I was so quiet. In school teachers would call on me, I’d shake my head no, so they’d understand I didn’t want to answer. In a small group setting, I excelled and was like a butterfly. Years later I would learn I have introvert tendencies 🤷‍♀️Staying to myself became my comfort zone

But, in order to grow, you have to move out of comfort zones. So every so often, I give myself a pep talk, I make a much better effort to not become a hermit lady with cats.

So as I head to brunch on this lovely Sunday afternoon, I’m in my uber feeling quite nervous. I do my breathing exercises and venture out. Lord, please don’t let me deodorant fail me

In Living Color

There was a time, color didn’t exist in my life. Let me explain that in more detail, I literally walked around in black, brown, grey everyday of my life. When I saw beautiful colors, patters and designs recoiled thinking I can’t possibly pull it off. Never deviating really from the blase color palette. The crazy part is my favorite color, purple. I absolutely love the color, you would never know it though unless you asked me. I remember wstching the movie The Color Purple on tv for the 1st time, the scene where Celie, sees her sister Nettie after so many years across the field of bright and beautiful purple flowers and falling in love with purple. Having seen lilac flowers and lilies I grew to love the color so much more, those shades of purple were far from dreary and yet.. Bright colors especially were an issue, for me they attracted too much attention and I felt like they’d drown me out. To which case I steered clear of them always relying on my old tride and true outfits and safe colors being safe.

So needless to say, at the ripe age of my late 30’s and being open to exploring ideas that I had pushed to the far recesses of my mind. I see prints and colors and my eyes are immediately fixated. Finally comfortable in my own skin, I love how colors look against my skin. I’ve seen this dress for the past 2 years, every time I see it, I imagine myself in it. It’s a simple dress, but the colors are so beautifully blended. I saw that dress this morning as I was getting ready for work. I take it as a sign, my appreciation of color is drawing me in. I’m definitely celebrating something, anything in this ensemble, grabbing my wallet as we speak. 💲💳💸💵

Pretty much…

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