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The dating pool has pee in it.

So… I went on a date about a month or so back. Interesting guy to say the least. He was about 40 years old, father of 3 and a divorce, (wait, let me fix that he was in the middle of a divorce, so technically still very married).  I don’t know why folks feel the need to lie or omit  that tid-bit of info. Being divorced means you signed paper work and the courts said YUP you 2 are officially unhinged don’t kill each other, cause criminal court  is down the block. I unfortunately find this out, AFTER the fact! Back to the message at hand. So were talking and he seems very pleasant and sweet. We ask one another all the pertinent questions, how many kids we have, where we grew up, where our families are from. The conversation is going great, time is undoubtedly passing, I need to head home its getting late. So we arrange to meet up again, now being more aware I don’t give him my cell #, cause Spokeo is the DEVIL and anyone can be a private eye! I  signed up for one of those apps where you get a free number that you can use to text/call, I’M LEARNING FOLKS! We speak here and there and text over the next couple of days, while we’re at work. Its nice but hes doing too much with the baby and beautiful and asking if I missed him?. Now Im not saying complimenting isn’t great for the ego, who doesn’t like to be told they’re beautiful? But when you’ve just met someone and they’re calling you baby or everything but your name its an immediate put off. Unless you have Alzheimer’s recalling my name shouldn’t be a difficult task. So I took note of that. The 2nd time we met up, I was already leery but listened. We talked this time he went into great detail about his life, issues with soon to be ex wife (he admitted at this point being married but that they both lived separate from each other).  By this time he’s touching my hand,  and tried to kiss it.. STOP!!!! Nope!!! I pulled my hand back and said listen I don’t like being touched…2nd time you’re seeing me and we’re touching and trying to run his fingers through my hair! Am I in a bad 80’s movie? All that was missing was a Miami Vice suit, silk shirt and taco meet on his chest… I started to explain my being divorced and that after some time we’ve gotten to a point where we’re good friends and can parent our children as well. He then proceeded to tell me, he cant ever be friends with his ex cause she cheated on him. I told him, you never know, things can change, sometimes you just need to work at it. He asked if I ever had anyone cheat on me? Without going into details I said yes and I broke up with him very soon after. He then said, I shouldn’t  have done that, that 90% of men cheat, that I should accept it. When I tell you the screw face!!!

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He proceeded to say that all people cheat, BUT he cant accept anyone cheating on him.. I swear I started to laugh! Thinking is this man serious?! Then he started to tell me that he’s looking for a serious relationship no games and that I should tell him what I’m looking for. That he is a grown man and not about having friends all over, even though he did go on to tell me he has “friends” that he’s dealing with but would stop once we got serious. Then he went on to my friendship with my ex husband and he’s not comfortable with it, if we were together he wouldnt be comfortable with my kids father being in my house especially if we lived together. That if he came to the house he would have to wait outside to pick up the kids. When I tell you I BUSTED OUT LAUGHING!!! I looked him in the face and told him, you do realize we’ve only been speaking to each other for a week. WTF? He proceeded to tell me he saw a future with me and that when he wants something he gets it. Even better that God has placed him in front of me.. Forgive me for my lack of catching holy spirit church holy dance! Fawda God has sent me a winner! Let me dig deep and find it

download5.jpg.Whoop found it!

He also thought that he would be the right one to give me a daughter since I only had boys.. My ovaries felt violated after that and wanted to vacate the premesis immediately! Needless to say after letting him babble on, I sat and thought to myself:

a) I’m not sure how I got here and if I could fit through the window in the bathroom (damn small bathroom windows)

b) He’s got issues that my medical insurance wont ever be covering.

c) Is this for real, is he like one of those IG or Youtube actors? Am I being taped?

d) Does this shit dribble he’s spewing really get women? Do they throw panties at him like they did when Luther performed?download8.jpg  Singing Never too  much never too much!

Pulling myself back to my awkward reality at the moment.. I tell this man that listen, you will never EVER have to worry about my kids Dad making you uncomfortable with his presence cause well.. You wont ever have that opportunity much less living with me and my kids.. My ovaries and vagina are Hillary and you’re Trump never the 2 shall meet. So, I thank you for this very informative date.. umm meeting.. wait no.. time that I will never get back. I do thank you for being so honest, I’m sure you’ll find a woman who will want to not only bear your babies but also love doing those bi-weekly clinic visits for STD’s..

That was the 1st time I ever memorized the exit route out a restaurant.. Feet didnt fail me!

 

 

 

 

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Winter is Coming: Cuffing Season Approaches

FeaturedWinter is Coming: Cuffing Season Approaches
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Cuffing Season
During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Brittany: Why is everyone trying to holla this week like outta no where?

Tiara: You know cuffing season is in full effect right?

Brittany: Oh yeah you right. I know I wont be sleeping alone this weekend.

So fall is soon approaching and all over Facebook and Instagram Land are the cuffing season memes. The jokes about cuffing season vs those sliding  in inboxes and DM’s for guys and ladies who are looking for that right one to have and hold from Sept – April (that’s cutting it close, if April is exceptionally warm then you’re cut off in March). It’s not a relationship, it’s an upfront arrangement that you and this person will do almost everything in the scope of a relationship without really having one. You’ll agree prior to on, when you see each other, how often (just enough not catch feelings but still want the D or box when you see each other) and most importantly be in a faux monogamous so as to only be sleeping with each other but keeping prospects open for Spring and Summer. screen-shot-2014-10-14-at-11-37-43-pm
SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE X_____________________________
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Netflix and Chill is the staple as dates apparently aren’t really apart of the whole cuffing deal, this can apparently vary depending on the persons involved since the whole premise for cuffing season isn’t really to find a mate but keep each other warm while the winter months fast approach; it doesn’t hurt I guess to get some trim in the process as well. Sooo.. it’s safe to assume then that if any guy or lady approaches with interest it’s only because cuffing season draft has begun and people are looking for 1st line draft picks. With all that said, being that winter lasts about 4 -5 months  and coincides with the festivities of  Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years’s when most people spend time with the ones they love and hold dear. Do you fake caring for the person you’re in a cuffing season contract with? In retrospect no matter what your contract may stipulate you ideally end up spending “quality time” with that person, at some point start to feel something for them. Even though catching feelings aren’t allowed, how do you prevent it? I know cuffing season is a joke that comes up as discussion among guys and ladies with their friends. That a person will look at another that they are attracted to and say, we cuffing or what? And expect a honest answer, mostly a unanimous Yes! Shit Drake even has a song about Cuffing Season:
I met this new girl late June or early July
I called her a bunch of times but she barely replied
Now it’s December, I’m driving, and she’s like “Where’s my hi?”
It’s weird that I never called you cause I rarely get shy
See that was a segue, I believe the matter
Is what happens after the season where the leaves just scatter
Where the Timb’ laces get tighter and parka hoods flip up
Drug dealers standing in their park or hood slip up
Where girls become exes from Summer’s caught ho’in
The winter cars come out, the summer cars go in
And some places is breezy, and some it start snow-ing
And if you planning family vacations you better know when
But some mothers scared to send they daughters out the city
Instead she get a sweater that she bought her out of pity
Cause mom stays up late, she seen them videos
Where Cancun college students pouring water on their t******!
So what do you do? Champagne Papi said it, it’s got to be true! If a guy or lady approaches you and shows what seems to be genuine interest. You both have great time together and the convo is going great and suddenly they bust out with a whole so listen “You know what this is?” ” I’m not looking for a relationship, but we can do x, y and z from Sept- to(date to be determined). Do you say yes and agree just because being lonely in the winter is far worse and depressing than laying up with someone who you’re obviously attracted to and have crazy  chemistry with that when you see each other its on and poppin? Does cuffing season have an age limit? When do you become too old to engage in the activity of just finding someone to just cuddle, spoon and have sex with (hopefully good sex, but I guess that’s what “pre-season feelers is used for) and they have that good heat in their apartment (the super is Dominican, open the windows 10 degree weather of the building heat) and have the good name brand snacks or have GRUB HUB/Eat 24 app, for after the workout fuel renewal? Only to drop that person, the connection and or feelings right before summer starts because no ones to be in a relationship in the summer.
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Beware of Cuffing Season where only the strong survive and the tank tops and sundresses are laying in wait for that touch of  60 degree weather to appear.. people magically disappear- FREE AGENTS!!!
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Used to

journal.jpgI used to write all the time, I kept journals and wrote about whatever I was feeling or just what I was never able to say out loud, at some point between becoming a parent and life lost my passion for it and just stopped writing, no that’s wrong I didn’t lose it; it was buried waiting.  Adversity was the pressure that turned my thoughts into a diamond, so far this outlet is my platinum setting. It allows me to be who am I, in my own mind and express them through words. I get to see what I’m really made of through my writing and recollection of past events, inspiring my posts. I’ve fallen down and gotten back up, many times strong, wiser and more determined. There have been times though, I’ve been knocked down, it took me time to get up, lick my wounds and re-gain my balance. I will admit, it was and sometimes is a fight but I’m a fighter, too stubborn and head strong to give in or up. Even though many times I want to fall apart and shatter, I wont be broken. I can sit and wallow in the misery of past traumas and hurts, I refuse to be bitter. I lived my life by a book that was solely black and white no gray area. I never looked at my future and saw happiness, just responsibilities to live that life.  Writing is my passion, its reminded me of who I used to be, who I am now and how the culmination of the little girl, young woman and adult I am now. I’m a pretty cool chic whose got a few cracks but loves to laugh and smile. I have to admit, I love seeing words and thoughts on paper, or on screen…  I’m enjoying the journey thus far, I’m a  little rusty, so bear with me. So it begins…

Remembering you, Mom

It never gets easier, but understanding what your passing meant then and today gives me solice now, that I no longer burst into tears today. Sadness and joy, but more so joy comes from my thoughts of you and our times together, even with MS raveging your body, you fought long and hard. Appreciating your role in our lives, the lessons you taught without even knowing it and understanding you were meant for a far greater purpose not on this earth. You were a Queen Mom 💋❤ #multiplesclerosis #orangeisforwarriors #amotherslove #multiplesclerosisawareness #MSSociety #Findacure

Happy Birthday Mom ❤

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, she would be been 59. I wrote in the past how hard August usually is for me and my sister. How it was more of a month of sadness than anything else. This year.. things have changed drastically. I don’t feel the same sadness not like I used to. I had this past year to look at a lot of things in my life and re-evaluate of I views things. Her life and death was one of them.  One thing I learned in looking at my mom’s life before she was diagnosed with MS was she lived her life, on her terms, no matter  what she sought to be happy.  Life is fleeting and time passes so fast. Any time wasted being sad or unhappy for or about things that don’t serve your life or loved ones in a positive way, don’t give them energy. My mother lived and loved us, her life and her family and friends and she kept it moving. So this year for Mothers Day there were no tears, I enjoyed life in her honor. For her birthday, I did the same. I spoke to her from my heart and wished her a Happy Birthday, let her know I love and miss her dearly. Thanked her for watching over me and her boys (inside joke). While I do get sad that my boys never got to experice the person she was as their grandma, I love them as she wouldve if she were here. So yesterday, walking hand in hand with my ❤ and enjoying life and laughing and having memorable moments; I live for her by my own means. 

My 3’s

Sitting down thinking…

The 3’s

My job/career

My personal life 

Life co-parenting

Last year when looking back at my 3’s, my job/career was a mess, nothing seemed to be going how I wanted it. The work environments I thought I could grow in failed almost miserably. I wasnt handling my emotional breakdown well at all, I didn’t want to admit I was having one. I wanted to trick myself into thinking I was okay. For some strange reason, I thought if I buried myself in my work, I wouldnt have to deal with what was going on then (ex cheating and very messy breakup). The clean up on aisle 5 needed a hazmat team, my work suffered because I was suffering didn’t know how to handle it. Out of work, on unemployment, I felt defeated. I was looking around thinking how did these opportunities and my ideas of building my career all suddenly turn to shit?  Why was this happening? Where was my bounce back? My feet weren’t landing comfortably like they used to. I was very shaken and unsure of myself.

My personal life was in shambles, contributing factors explained above, I wasn’t me. I would be in pain but hide it behind a smile or laugh. Hoping it would be contagious enough for my psyche to believe it was real. I have great friends and family who I love and adore, always look out and give me great advice, feedback and a kick in the was she. I need it. One friend who is so very dear to me, gave me wise advise that I didn’t digest. She said take time to heal. You’re not going to heal overnight, be mindful of that, I didn’t listen. Typing this Na’Kesha’s words are ringing in my ears at this very moment. But sometimes a hard head must feel.. and feel I did. 

Funny enough, my co-parenting life was going GREAT or so I thought. We weren’t arguing at all, crazy as it was we were actually getting along. We were talking like old friends do, laughing the whole nine. We dis little things with the kids, so they could see that their parents can get along and things don’t always have to be volatile. In a small way that satisfied me mentally to say, to myself okay I can have at least one thing going right when I felt like I had everything falling apart. Maybe on some level it was right to think that way.. In reality it wasn’t, hiding from a storm doesnt make it go away, the storm still remains. At that moment I didn’t want to weather the storm, I want to lay down and just let it wash over me and I’ll land where ever I end up. That isn’t me at all, I’m a fighter, but mentally I was tired and drained. 

You know what? I fought, I fought like hell! I got up and stopped wallowing in my self pity but also allowed myself the time to know and understand people break. Maybe not whole but we splinter and pieces fall. We Maybe made in God’s image but we are human still. Even the most resilient of people need a break. Machine over heat, shutdown after wear and tear and use. Our bodies and minds are no different. I started working out, reading again, learning to enjoy my own thoughts, that took time trial and error. I stayed out of relationships but enjoyed the company of good people. Those conversations and meetings put me on a path to understand not just myself but people also. It gave me faith and taught me to appreciate the struggles we all face in life. It also helped to stop the thoughts that all men are shit and just no good because I was close to the bitter side.

My 3’s now…

My job/career are on a better track. I had a few set backs and some very humbling experiences that had to set me straight. I’m extremely happy where I am, my goals are keeping me grounded in what I want to achieve in the near future. I’m learning more day by day, that pushes me to keep and surpass the goals I’ve set for myself

My personal life… words can’t express truly how I feel now. My love and appreciation for my friends and family how theyve been there for me on so many levels I am grateful. A support system that is outstanding at best. I have someone who loves and understands me, all unconditionally. There is never a question on what or how he feels about me, I love him dearly for all he does. I am in a better space and it shows. 

Now… co-parenting life. That’s splintered, for reasons I’m not sure of exactly. I’ve had to sit down and evaluate our interactions and try to understand it all. The only thing right now that seems to come through is, situations reveal people true nature. A lot of what’s going on is similar behavior from the past, which is exactly what caused us to get divorced in the first place, control issues. I am different now then I was in my early 20’s, so the ability for him to control or inflict fear isn’t done so easily. I fight back, not physically but verbally, I stand my ground. Maybe one day this part of my life with either be calm or if have to settle and work with civil, you know what that would be fine. Everything in life can’t be perfect.

I am grateful and thankful, I have ability to look at my 3’s then and now, some people don’t have that chance. See the lessons in them and appreciate the fact I have growth, set backs, changed behavior and happiness.. 

Amen.

Instruction manual to co-parenting = Non-existant

When it comes to co-parenting, it’s one of those situations that can either work out really well or be an utter and sincere disaster. As a parent whose raising children with an ex husband in two different homes,  I understand the great days (outings together, graduations) and pitfalls (disagreements and arguments, spiteful behavior) all to well. When we got divorced I had to come to grips really fast with understanding that a lot of the raising of our children would be done by me even though we gave joint custody. Ideally in a perfect world, everything would work out great and all parties involved would never have issues, we’d sip tequila shots and laugh a stupid stuff, still work together as a team for the benefit of the kids.

Alas but a bitter divorce, egos, hurt feelings and sometimes just the need of space, to analyze and dissect, nah fuck that a time of silence because there are times you just want them to shut up, make co-parenting a teeth clenching, headache induced interaction.


I had to understand and swallow a bitter pill that my children like me and their Dad, would have divorced parents and have two different homes. Looking back on my childhood, I fully understand there isn’t an exact template that parents follow when it comes to raising children, more so in different households after a divorce. Our examples of co-parenting on both fronts, his and mine werent the best to mimic  on any level when it concerned our children. Both our parents argued and fought endlessly, our fathers were absent for a lot of our lives growing up. Sometimes making an impromptu pop-up for an event maybe a milestone here and there, needless to say great examples absentee dads. Which inturn caused us to watch our mothers work and sacrifice, while our fathers shurked their parental responsibilities. Fast forward 20 plus years, two children later and now he and I are the parents who are trying (sometimes painfully) to co-parent and exist and have personal lives too. I’ve learned on numerous occasions it’s not about your personal feelings when it comes to co-parenting more so than its about the love and safety for the children. That raising them to be great himan beings is above all else the sought after outcome. But at the same time there must be a level of respect when it concerns the other parent, that isn’t always the case. 

Boyfriend’s,  girlfriend’s and Fiances too.. I had a discussion with an older cousin, who gave some sound advice. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue when it comes to an ex spouse whose started to date or gets engaged. As long as the significant other isn’t causing your child(ren) any harm and is genuinely caring or nice, you’ll have to learn to live with each other, sometimes peacefully and happily when everyone is on the same page; I agreed whole heartedly. I’ve never, since we’ve gotten divorced made waves or made any of his girlfriend’s feel uncomfortable. It never made sense to because one of them could potentially become their step mother and a level of respect had to be there, though I can’t say the same for some of his ex’s. I’ll say my patience has worn thin on a few occasions, but at the same time there are boundries. Present day, for the first time ever I’m finding out what boundries have to be enforced especially when it concerns our children and their safety. Now once again I’m left with a question of how and what can you do to successfully co-parent? In the past arguments have happened, we dont always agree on everything. At a time I thought we were on the same page more so about our children and their safety, which is/was paramount. So what do you do when levels of respect are crossed and boundaries broken? What are the steps to take? How do you now go back to being in the same page, in a co-parenting world?

Cheek 2 Cheek

Sometimes turning the other cheek isn’t an option, it can and will boil down to you making a choice and taking a stand. The only recourse is to remove negative people and their energy from your space. Never feel pressured into thinking youre obligated to have a person who is toxic in your life. Life is too short….  No, life is too beautiful to be unhappy!