It has been at least two years since my last post. Initially I thought that I would either shut down my blog page or kind of remove it from memory. I had concluded that it has served it’s purpose and I wouldn’t need it anymore, sort of like a training bra only with less tattered material. I would visit my page from time to time, re-reading old posts and trotting down memory lane like Queen I am, proud of my progress. Other times I felt like the page was like digging up old shit, even though time has passed it still smells.
Today, I read the post that got the 2nd most views/likes. I read it and laughed at that moment in time with such glee. I laughed because so much has changed since that post. I got married and had a little one. I look at my family and how things have changed and I’m grateful. Grateful for ALL the lessons, hurdles, pitfall, successes. With out all of it, I may not be at the point I am now… peaceful. Imagine almost four years later after so much heartache, depression, stumbling over myself and losing faith and confidence in who I was as a person. I dug deep and took the time to look at not that period in my life documented in the blog but me as a whole. I took stock and account for what negatively happened in my life. I learned that it takes 2 people to go down a road unstable. I quit placing the sole blame on one person but still holding them accountable. Having to look at people for who they are, not who I want or envision them to be. I no longer allow people to cross boundaries, I set them and stand firm behind them. If it means losing toxic people.. the thing about toxicity, nothing good will ever grow in or around it. It seeps into everything changing it, where its no longer viable. Learning everything isn’t viable was the hardest! I always wanted to salvage or save thinking it had to hurt to turn out or be right! WRONG!
I dealt with death this year, next to my Mom passing this one shook me to my core. Valerie was my best friend since I was 14 years old and losing her to colon cancer… It hurt and still does. I look at her pictures and videos and have a rush of emotions that wash over me. I look back and think at how blessed I was to have her at the most pivotal moments of my life. She was there for all the childhood-teenage moments we shared together, we had so many countless memories to adulthood, there isn’t an important moment she wasnt present for – my 1st marriage, birth of my 1st son. I was there for the birth of her son. She stood by me one more time when I got married, saw the ever growing belly that is my son now. Unfortunately she passed a month before the two of them got to meet. I know she would’ve loved him like she loves my other children.
Her death though hard, teaches me lessons daily. One thing above all else she taught me to live. Before she passed, knowing she was terminal, she lied her life and spent it with those she loved. She got her flowers while she lived! She was my sister from another mother and can never be replaced. when I saw her a couple months before she passed. I couldn’t recognize her, cancer had ravaged her and made her weak, she couldn’t really speak. I held her hand and tried my best to hide back my tears. I told her I love her and knew she was in pain, she could let go. Those words as much as they hurt I had stood in this place before and it would’ve been selfish to ask God to keep her here in so much pain
Looking at my life, my very first post to now, there is growth. Like a mighty oak tree, I may move and bend, branches may break. But I still grow and move towards the sun.